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| Ted Cruz, from Texas. First GOP Presidential Candidate |
Ted Cruz
is a Senator from Texas, and he has recently announced that he will
be running for President of the United States of America in 2016.
Right now there are a lot of Democrats losing their minds over this,
not because they believe he can win, but because they see that his
candidacy is nothing more than a lightening rod meant to draw the
ire of conservative, and liberal voters a like, toward another
candidate. That candidate has not yet been decided of course and the
GOP has yet to hint who their next man or woman will be, which is all
a part of the strategy. All they need to worry about right now is how
they are going to draw as much negative attention to this man as
possible, then when the hate reaches it's peak they'll finally
introduce their next guy. Someone who seems much more sensible then
this Cruz character and his crazy Dr. Seuss antics. A guy who all
Republicans can get behind and support, because by comparison he seems like a conservative hero like Reagan or Bush, even though this
man's policies are just as insane they'll say, “well, at least he
isn't Cruz. That guy is just weird.”
Some
have made the joke, “Ted Cruz is my man because he's the only man.”
Well, those folks are right, he is the only man, until the GOP comes
out with their trump card (not Donald Trump, of course), which will
be some ultra conservative wolf in the disguise of a so-called
moderate conservative. Someone who will seem less insane by proxy,
that Republicans can rally behind to disguise their own insanity. And
that's what a lightening rod candidate is.
In order
for the strategy to work you need to find someone that the general
public despises. Sure, they may be big shots in their own home
districts, but the rest of the world scratches their heads and
wonders what wacky thing they will propose or do next. They are the
lightening rod candidates, the guys and gals who stands out and takes
the hate vote, the slings and arrows. Their main function is to
efficiently distract the public with nonsensical bells and whistles
to help his or her party steal the election.
A good
example of this is when Hunter S. Thompson ran for Sheriff in Aspen,
Colorado. He never really wanted to run in the first place, rather he
had a friend who was running for a separate public office, and it
didn't seem like anyone liked him. So in order to help his friend get
elected Hunter threw his hat into the ring and ran for Sheriff in
order to draw away the hate that his friend was getting and having
them focus it all on him. He made outrageous promises like tearing up
the streets and replacing them with grass, making drugs legal, and
even eating drugs while on the job in the Sheriff's office. He was
hoping that he would scare enough people into thinking that he was a
lunatic, and that his friend was much more sane and likable by
comparison.
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| Hunter Thompson, while running for Sheriff in Aspen, Colorado |
Another
good example of a lightening rod candidate was Sarah Palin, back when
she ran in 2008. Just like Hunter all she had to do was be her
normal, mentally deranged self in order to attract the hate vote and
distract from the other guys, who are in most cases really bad guys
who walk on that razor thin edge of legitimacy and criminality.
Unfortunately, just like Hunter's lightening rod campaign gained
momentum Palin's did as well to some degree. They were both
successful in capturing the hearts of those truly twisted individuals
who either really agreed with their absurdities, or were only drawn
in because they believe that perhaps the candidates eccentric
personalities meant they actually had good ideas.
Palin's
popularity in the GOP inexplicably exploded back in 2008, just like
Hunter's did in his 1970 bid for Sheriff. She was brash and she
didn't care who she offended, and at the time that's who Republicans
were lusting for. The gun toting mama from the harsh tundras of
Alaska who shot first and asked questions later. She would take
helicopter rides across her home state to shoot bears and wolves,
which gave conservatives across the nation a massive hard-on as they
could now imagine her hanging out of an open helicopter's fuselage
wearing tight camouflage leather pants and black tank-top and hat
holding an M-4 Carbine while flying over Arab villages and shooting
at innocent people. She would become their new poster child because
of this, and her face will be plastered on walls outside of American
military bases all across the world with the caption, “You gotta
lead'em!”
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| Fake picture of Sarah Palin used to illustrate my point |
It was
this rabid image of pseudo-patriotism and masochism that made Palin
so popular that she seemed the perfect candidate to join John McCain
at his side by being his Vice President. It seemed like the perfect
Rambo loving, Republican ticket. You had your Presidential nominee
who was a tough as nails Vietnam pilot and prison of war, and your
Vice Presidential nominee who was a gun loving mother of five who
lived in the boonies, and killed animals for sport from the safety of
luxurious helicopters.
Unfortunately
for the Republicans they forgot that a lightening rod candidate, no
matter how popular they are with that insane fringe of American
society, cannot win any election. Sure, they had a lot of momentum
that gathered behind them with this image, but she also brought a lot
of hate to McCain's campaign and thus hurt his chances in the long
run. Maybe the Republicans thought if they paired their golden boy
with their lightening rod it would some how produce a canceling-out
effect, and the people's hate for Palin will make them want to vote
for McCain anyway because of how much saner he seemed by comparison.
But in reality getting close to Palin in that regard made him seem
just as crazy as her, if not even crazier.
But the
GOP was blind to this at the time. They became rock stars over night
with their battle hardened war hero, and the women who they believed
could be the sexy surrogate mother of America. The immense amount of
support that flooded in from all sides so quickly made them all drunk
with assurance. They seriously believed they could take the election
with this, but they were wrong, and Barack Obama became the man of
the nation. The GOP couldn't see where they went wrong, and it was
such a blow to the ego that they just wanted to crawl back into bed,
drink some Nyquil, and try to forget about this entire disaster.
Now the
Republicans have this man, Ted Cruz, from Texas. The perfect
lightening rod candidate. He looks like some mad scientific
experiment to combine the genes of Desi Arnaz and Ron Paul in order
to deter decent god fearing Republicans away from the idea of
scientific genetic manipulation, and Ted Cruz. In order to hide this
injustice against humanity he was hidden under the capitol after his
test-tube emergence, and left to feed off the scraps left behind by
his half-brother, Rand, until he became too big and could longer fit
in the cramped crawlspace just beneath the Senate floors. In order to
allow him to fit in with the others they outfitted with a suit just
like theirs, except that his was meant to hide the horrible
deformities that he was afflicted with as the result of him being a
genetic freak. They gave him a nice cushy job keeping a
Texas Senator's chair warm until they could find a more suitable
replacement. His main function is to make liberals heads explode and
conservatives to cringe at the thought of their party even being
represented by this monster, who has apparently taught himself how to
read Dr. Seuss.
Cruz
will say all the insane things he can, instigating both sides of the
political spectrum, while the GOP looks for their next sociopath and
grooms him to be the next Republican Presidential golden boy. And
when that next sociopath comes conservatives will be able to let out
a long sigh of relief and will all together join in reciting everyone
the litany, “At least he isn't Ted Cruz.”
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